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24 Shocking Things That Keep Parents From Having Sex

  • 6 min read

Hooking up isn’t like in the hot and heavy days anymore. It’s different…

I’ve heard a rumour that people have sex… But I have a child, and when you have children, it’s different. Instead of ’50 shades of gray’, it’s more ’50 shades of pray your children stay asleep’. Hooking up is no longer like in the hot and heavy days. And yet it’s not lack of desire or sex drive that’s keeping you from having some sexy time with your partner.

The deepest fantasy of most young parents is to be able to sleep. If and when that is fulfilled, they want to be able to eat in peace. And then maybe have a little sex. But can one fulfill so many wishes in one go? Very unlikely. Because, in the meantime, someone has woken up again, the full diaper must be changed or the washing machine is beeping.

With children in the house, the path to orgasm is full of obstacles, especially if…

  1. one insists on long foreplay — if it goes at all, it only goes quick and dirty
  2. the clock is ticking and you’re calculating how much potential sleeping time this sex is taking up. Okay, now I might be able to get one hour of sleep…
  3. in bed, one starts to speak of oneself in the third person and refers to himself as ‘mommy and daddy’
  4. you are running the to-do lists in your head and suddenly scream: ‘Oh… now I know what’s missing on the list! We need to buy sun cream for the kids!’
  5. you start telling each other something sweet about what has happened during the daytime with the children
  6. you want to freshen up in the bathroom but then end up emptying the washing machine, putting the clothes in the dryer, loading new clothes, by which time the other one has fallen asleep.
  7. you start thinking that one day (in sixteen years), the kids will have left the house, and then we’ll have wild sex again
  8. there’s a smell of baby vomit in the air
  9. cartoons are playing loudly outside your door
  10. the child has fallen asleep in the car again before a scheduled nap
  11. you look at photos of perfectly fit Hollywood stars four hours after giving birth before you jump in bed
  12. you text your husband beforehand: ‘we need to check the kids for lice’
  13. the child has hidden the bedroom key
  14. you do something deeply unsexy which you are really only allowed to do with children, for instance, remove a booger from the nostrils
  15. (as a pregnant woman) you start worrying if your unborn baby’s getting stabbed by the penis. The visual of that, yeah…
  16. (as a pregnant woman) you start relating to yourself and feeling like a beached whale
  17. you start comparing your sex life with your hot and heavy days
  18. you feel resentment towards your husband: ‘For him, it’s like, right on. We hooked up. Now I’m going to sleep. For me, it’s nursing time…’
  19. you feel you have to take care of your husband too, your ‘wifely duty’ becomes one more to-do on the list
  20. you are still in ‘Mom mode’ and can’t switch off and let go
  21. you have a baby monitor on which you hear the static and you see your baby rolling around
  22. you are more the morning sex type (because there’s a small person in bed beside you as well as your partner)
  23. you are more the evening sex type (because then you are much too exhausted and tired)
  24. you’re initiating sex by saying: ‘exactly how tired are you?’

I’m convinced we all should be having more orgasms

People photo created by yanalya

Yes, our sex lives as parents are different. Maybe there are even some people reading this thinking: ‘What? There’s sex involved?’ I’m convinced we all should be having more orgasms in order to be more relaxed and easygoing parents. Unfortunately, we aren’t.

People tend to feel better after hooking up. Sex is a mood booster, even if it only lasts a few seconds or minutes until the child wakes up again. The motto: ‘keep it quick and dirty’ hits the proverbial nail on the head.

What about a trip to Hawaii?

For sex, of course, it’s crucial to let go and not being uptight. The moment you start thinking of how much sleep time is being taken away by having sex, you’re lost. To be honest, in order to make the change from ‘Mom mode’ to ‘ Lover mode’, it would take a trip to Hawaii alone with my husband. It takes at least a day to melt all of my duties and to-do’s as a Mom, and only then can I find myself able to let go.

Wishing you all the goodwill, the mood, and the time to have some seconds or minutes of sexy time with your partner!

Live, Love, Laugh 😂,


PS: Can you think of any other things that keep parents from having sex?

© Kristina God

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