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Is My Vagina The Only Reason For His Happiness?

  • 7 min read

… apparently

Yes, our sex lives as parents are different. With children in the house, the path to orgasm is full of obstacles. Yet, I’m convinced we all should be having more sexy time because it would help us to be more relaxed parents. Sex is a mood booster — even if we have to keep it quick and dirty and it only lasts a few seconds before the child wakes up again.

About hooking up, going to sleep and the wifely duty

Recently, I wrote a successful article about 24 things that keep parents from having sex.

My article about this taboo topic generated a lot of comments and there are two reasons a lot of readers could relate to especially:

‘You feel resentment towards your husband. For him, it’s like, “right on. We hooked up. Now I’m going to sleep.” For me, it’s nursing time…’

Followed by…

‘You feel you have to take care of your husband too. Your ‘wifely duty’ becomes one more to-do on the list’

It’s about hooking up enough that both feel they’re having their needs met

With regard to these things that keep parents from having some sexy time, I think it’s really complicated.

When I talk to mom friends, they express that their love relationship isn’t anymore what it was like before children. It’s no longer like in the hot and heavy days. It’s not about having the greatest and hottest sex ever.

The truth is, it’s about maintaining connection to your partner and liking each other. It’s about hooking up enough that both feel that they’re having their sexual needs met. Specifically, that they still share at least some pieces of the intimacy they used to have before children.

Can you just plan your orgasms?

When you ask other more experienced women who are mothers too:

‘What is your sex life like?’

You may hear the answer:

‘We make an appointment. There are specific days each week / month when we schedule sex.’

Wow, I thought! That’s the key to ecstasy! I will plan my orgasms. Let’s just give it a try and see how it goes. Maybe that’s what my love relationship with my husband needs.

In short, either I forgot which days we had planned or I woke up knowing I had a specific plan that night. Our sexy time was set. Like meeting at work or a paediatrician’s appointment for my son.

I realized it wasn’t about if I was in the mood or if I felt that I wanted to do it. It was about an idea we wanted to work as it was planned.

In the end, I found it was a trap. It didn’t work at all. It didn’t feel authentic and honest to me. I couldn’t do it. It felt wrong and I couldn’t deny my feelings.

Hooking up (just) makes him happier

Back on the playground, I asked my mom friend more specifically how she makes these ‘sex appointments’ work.

Shockingly, she explained to me the following:

She said that her husband told her he needs sex X times per week/month. He doesn’t want to cut that simply because of her mother’s duties.

Sex is part of her wifely duty. Therefore, the act of love has become an obligation done because it makes him happy. She’s resentful on these days because she knows it’s going to happen that night.

She just does it — regardless of whether she wants to have sex or not. Sometimes, she can manage to plug out and enjoy the sexy time. Sometimes it’s just an appointment she has to attend but it makes him happy and really helps him. His happiness lies in my vagina, she said.

I was just shocked. Does his happiness lie in her vagina? Therefore, she has to let him in her pants?

Do you want to have sex with a person who doesn’t want to have sexy time with you?

I think it’s not healthy to deny your own feelings towards sex. Especially with regard to your own sexuality, it’s crucial that you can talk about your desires, needs, and expectations.

Above all, managing expectations is a huge part of every love relationship in order to meet someone else’s needs and fulfill their desires. No matter if you’re a man or a woman, (in every part of your life) you have the right to speak up and say what you really want.

As I said earlier, being in the thick of parenting with regard to your love life is all about maintaining. Maintaining connection and still liking each other. Share some intimacy and have as much sex as needed that both feel satisfied.

With a view to my mom friend, I can understand what she means. Having sex is a great way to connect. It can help you to reconnect with your partner on a physical level. And therefore, their happiness does indeed lie in our vaginas.

But our satisfaction lies in their pants as well. If one partner feels their sexual need isn’t being met or one just does it because he / she has to, it can lead to (more) conflicts in a relationship and build resentments.

Do you want to have sex with a person who doesn’t want to have sexy time with you?

You need to speak up

Therefore if you’re breastfeeding and your husband wants to have sex with you, this thought may keep you from getting laid:

‘For him, it’s like, “right on. We hooked up. Now I’m going to sleep.” For me, it’s nursing time…’’

No matter in what state your love relationship is and how old your child is, you need to be able to communicate with your partner.

Speak up and tell him what you need and what you don’t want (at the moment). This strengthens your bond.

From other parents I know, they articulate their feelings but their partner still wants to stick to their (old) — let’s call it — sex routine and frequency. But this is not what this is about right now.

You have all the right to say no to sex

Happiness is defined by more than sex and you can build a deep and meaningful connection with your partner.

Don’t feel guilty for not wanting sex. You have all the right to say no. You’re doing a magnificent job 24/7. You’re tired and exhausted.

For sex, it’s important to let go and not be uptight. It’s not easy to let yourself off the hook and change from ‘parent mode’ to ‘lover mode’.

You will only find yourself able to let go, no matter what time or place, if you feel your partner respects your feelings and needs.

© Kristina God

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